Reflection knocks 10: Will I be able to?

Assalamualaikum, greetings from 25th Ramadan 1438H.

With that being said, well obviously 9/10 Ramadan berlalu dengan laju tak tertahankan dan pergi begitu saja. Hmm apa yang jadi ya? I want to remember it as those days yang ada some impact or at least ada some meaning ke apa, but i guess in the end it's all about some 24 year old girl yang kalut-kalut tak tahu nak kejar requirements mana yang patut settle dulu because obviously everything is not completed and yet you want to end this five year process in this one go. Well- maksudnya apa tu, maksudnya it's all about this somebody cuba mengejar dunia tapi dunia ini ternyata melelahkan dan tak terkejarkan pun. Dan masa haruslah begitu, berlalu tak tersedarkan dan bila kita toleh ke belakang balik - oh lima enam bulan dah berlalu dan setahun pun sudah sampai ke hujung.

Dan ini adalah saat-saat kita terasa teruji - dari semua sudut. Sudut melihat orang selesai, sudut menunduk tengok kaki dan tangan yang kosong tak pasti mampu ke tidak, sudut cubaan memahami kenapa kita begini dan kenapa yang pernah sampai boleh lari, sudut orang yang nak mendidik tapi gagal di mata kita yang kurang terdidik, sudut cari cahaya untuk tiga bulan atau enam bulan ke masa depan, dan sudut-sudut kecil tu semua.

Di mana kita?

I'm almost at the end of the time. There's only six days left. Times two. Make it about twelve chances. And pray hard that these twelve chances won't go wasted and it can turn your whole life around into something you'll call miracle.

*nangis hormonal tapi lagu pun kenapa sedih time ni*

We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know

- Well part of me is being hormonal but John Legend singing Ordinary People at this moment is another thing okay - cryyy T__T

Anyway let me tell you a story. It so happened that in this final year, I actually found someone.

Plot twist: Nope. Actually last year. During my fourth year. In Perhentian. Someone who actually listened to Vincent. Like hello, Vincent kot --- remember? While staring at the stars - the so-called star gazing moments by the beach - this someone can sing 'Stary stary night'. Like weiii hello there my friend!

Sebenarnya takde la baru jumpa as in tak pernah jumpa. Ada je through out these five years lolo cuma baru tahu ehh tahu lagu Vincent ke? Aww this must be fate!

Seterusnya cerita bersambung di tahun lima - bila dikongsi satu lagu sedih menghiris-hiris hati lulz dengar tajuk je pun tahu betapa nazak nya keadaan kami berdua saat ini lolo

And this time, it's called --- stay alive.


It's like dengar je rhythm and the song as general walau tak berapa nak dengar lagi lyric, pastu okay boleh terus down sujud di lantai menangis lolo over gila haha, tapi seriously Jose Gonzalez's Stay Alive sedih kot hahah (sambung being hormonal and cry part 2)

Thanks umi, for suddenly being here, for being around. Even at one moment (in May/June 2017- towards the end of this), perbualan kami berbunyi begini, "We meet at the right time." Lololo

And dah berapa kali juga actually terfikir satu benda ni. It is something that seems like the truth but you don't wanna share it because the truth hurts. It happened almost, almost (or actually, almost every time it happened, you think about this possibility) every time when you think it won't work -- and somehow, it really didn't. And you sit - and ponder bout this possibility.

Could it be real?

That if you're not ready, it wouldn't come close to you, or it didn't come to you because you're not ready.

-- and tonight, two lights fade away - and every time they run away (I would say they run, because each time, I always see myself as someone who actually is running after them and keep pestering around -- and that's exhaustive you see, I don't really enjoy that moments of interrupting other people's life and time, asking their time and energy to keep their mouth open for me to do things -- which of course, if it's me, someday i'll run too, made them run, too) -- every time they run, my heart ached. Like this small, throbbing but dull pain at that one spot like somebody just stabbed you and they just went away - haaa seriously though, this is not me being hormonal, this is me being honest (too bad - i'm that emotional lolo). Welcome to my heart, guys.


Guess that ends my rant tonight.

Till then, please pray for me and all of us, that He'll bestow upon us,
whatever is the best for our dunya and akhirah.


Overthinking bout dunya.
Goodbye world.


(i mean, sleep).

1156pm, 19 June 2017
(ohmy birthday sape tuu coming real soon awww - always).

take care! :)


Reflection knocks 9: Waiting

Hello there, I find it ironic that when you thought you started to love it, it's gone. And how tiring waiting is. It's like you knew they wouldn't come but you still, persistently waiting for their arrival. Perhaps expecting them to say hey sorry I'm late today - but they didn't. Perhaps your disappointment overlapped too. But you believe that you meant well. They have their reasons. They will. And at the end of the day you'll just say perhaps Allah has a better plan for you, it's just that you didn't get it yet.

Through out the wait, I tried to dig out this quote - how true.

Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.
Signing off,
A student extremely tired of waiting for a fta pt today (still here)


Reflection knocks 8: Being happy on being here

Salam Februari:)

I guess I should write this down.
Today, out of my surprises (too), I actually feel happy doing what I'm doing.
On that chair, holding something, making up things.
I feel happy.

This is one kind of rareness in my life, you see.
At that moment, that simple few seconds moment, I talked to myself.
I smiled and I think I said alhamdulillah (kot) haha idk dalam hati kot
Well you don't really remember things that happened when you're in such moments, you see
You just feeeel it.


I pray that such feeling would drop by again next time.

p/s: And I think I also started to enjoy it too - you know, that thing that I used to hate hehe what a weird day today is

here haha<3>


Reflection knocks 7: Judge, perception, words

Are we that quick to judge?

Ditakdirkan Allah, pagi ni kami ada talk. Well, itu biasa. But the guest is not. Hmm but then I've been following their activities and progress (literally) for quite some time so I kinda knew who they are, what they do and I personally have good perception of them.

But it turned sour - when I heard some unpleasant words. I guess they're inevitable, random words you unconsciously utter in response to whatever pass you by. Kot. But, knowing the other side of the story and having good vibes lulz within yourself, I can't help but feel kinda offended (who am I to be affected anyway) and go ouch over such words.

Then I wonder - are we that quick to judge?

You know, having a stranger in front of you, introducing themselves as you don't even know their names and their stories, and here we are - making up our own descriptions of them from what we perceive - based on whatever we have in hands, be it either something physical, swayed by our emotions, expectations and imaginations.

I guess whatever negative words we uttered at that moment was just an escapism - of what we are having. It's not where you want to be, it's not something you wanna hear, so you need an excuse. And whoever is standing in front of you provide you the reason to escape, hence the words.

But on the other hand, words kill too. Good intentions, poor words choice - sarcasm at the maximum level, doubting others concern or priorities wouldn't do. You might even lose the support you're getting. Words matter, so be kind. Say good words. The helps or attention you're seeking (in a good way) may reach you through good words and polite manners. We have different styles and do expect the difference we are packaged with. The goodness may reach you in a way you wouldn't be expecting, perhaps by our own means - not necessarily financially. Whatever, Allah knows best. As long as niat baik-baik, then I guess we'll get there.

And perhaps maybe because of that too, we perceived whatever they went through was easy - because we made up our version of stories of their life anyway - which made me sigh again, for I've read the stories of their lives a few times before. Ironically, it's the opposite, hence the sigh.

Highlighted key points that I consumed were 3: Good food, good education and love.
I'll add two more to my dictionary: Good words and positive perception.


reflection knocks 6: just another day,


This gonna be a quick post of another episode of life-wondering-thoughts.


When the time is ticking and all you have is your give-it-up thoughts, sorry but you can't help to think, so am I gonna give up two things today instead of one? And you'll continue on, with worries and feeling guilty for the long wait of another patient outside, while praying that you'll passed what ever you  have in hands in one go and then you can call in the other patient. But deep down, somehow, you feel unfair. To both of them. Because the one on the chair deserved your attention, and the one sitting outside deemed your service. And it's impossible to be at both places at the same time, attending different needs, and you're not up to that level too. And to what ever you have in hands, you're being unfair too. It should be good, as perfect is not your thing yet, and you should be doing it with all of your heart. Then you'll be satisfied with what ever you're providing to the patient.

But of course, you don't. You continue on, thinking of both. 

And no, the results will not be amazing. It'll be another messy thoughts crowding in your head for the day, which you carry with you every day. 

And repeat. For a year. (No!)


Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first
Sometimes the first thing you want never comes
But I know that waiting is all you can do

It''s true, strange and beautiful, Aqualung.


There's a truth behind a cry
There's a cry behind a lie
There's a hope on every fright
There's a light on every night

Uh, I miss the Letto moments.


I remember reading this in Aug this year, 'cause it's part of the difficult moments, of being here. 

" Don't say it's the most bla bla bla - the most difficult moments ever, the worst day of your life, the worst time in your life, the most of anything-you-wanna-complain-bout."

'Cause it's not. And you'll face another day as such later in life. And you can't stop saying - it is your worst day ever. 

Just say - it's just another day. Another bad day. Just another difficult moment. Just another full-of-dramas-and-emotions-kind-of day. 

It would help.

It would sooth your heart a bit.
It would not make you as depressed as you would when you start to think that your day is the worst day ever.

It would help.

And a few days later, the thoughts of it being the worst day ever would slowly disappear, till you barely remember your feelings back then.

And it is no longer your worst day ever.

'Cause you're just heading into another bad day.

And that's okay.

It's just another day.

You'll passed through.
You'll be alright.

Smile, it's just another day.

And as usual, my so-called short note is not short at all haha
Kay, i'll be fine insyaAllah!

Senyumlah! :)

-1018pm, you know where