20170808

Reflection knocks 14: To the (unknown)

Salam.

Finally, I'm (almost) at the end of this.
Not sure how this is gonna end but always, you know we would always pray for the best in this dunya and the next so yup we always have that positive thinking with the anything-under-the-sun-may-come-in-between-and-just-turn-life-into-another-plot-twist kind of thoughts. Well that's okay.

It's been a long three weeks of a roller-coaster ride for this final exam, deeming energy and extra time which we surely are running out of, and magical understanding of everything which obviously doesn't work for me haha so yup, somehow each day passed by slowly and yet, they did - and no matter how bad I felt each day, Alhamdulillah, He let me go through (still) with lesser and lesser guilt and bad thoughts each day (whoops).

Alhamdulillah, I am actually grateful that He let things in this world temporary. Wait.

Nope, well to me, it's kind of sad actually to have changing feelings - wait, are we talking about love now? Hmm well love and other things that you wished would stay as long as it possibly can okay - like when you are blessed and have a happy day/life/moments, don't you wished that you could stay in that zone for the rest of your life? Didn't you pray that you could always be that happy or whatever it is, didn't you see how nice it would be if this last for ever? 

So yup, on one side, you know that you have that moment/feeling/whatever that is worth to be permanent - but nope, the rule of life by Allah (sunnatullah) is this world is a temporary place, thus the moment too.

Terus, apa kaitannya dengan kesyukuran bahawa dunia ini sementara dengan semua ini?

Well dengan temporary-nya hakikat hidup di dunia ini, somehow at times I am glad that feelings are temporary too. Especially when you're feeling down or bad, so Alhamdulillah for Allah did not make it permanent (or you'll be depressed for the rest of your life, no?). Slowly, no matter how bad things were, or how down you may be, somehow slowly each day Allah alleviate those negative feelings and thoughts from your heart and (slowly but surely) you feel better again. You are healed! By the mercy and love of Allah! sobs T_T

The same goes for this exam thingy and its impact each day. When I think I can barely survived the day, He guides me through the day until I walked out and said "I survived today and still alive, Alhamdulillah." And that goes on for these three weeks. Alhamdulillah, (personally) I'm not that happy with my performance (because I know I can always do better) but that's fine, okay - you did try your best and that should be enough for now, okay. 

Now, since there are possibilities that (if panjang umur la kan) some day I'll just randomly tekan my random post and read whatever happened to me in the past life (gituu, I always fall in love - and sometimes hate - with my self when I re-read whatever I've wrote in the past --- it's like reading my own novel when I'm feeling low and knowing that I've survived some difficult days before, it kind of make things easier or possible, and boost my spirit too, well kind of la). ----- no doubt now, i love myself, okay. so whatever happened, happened. and for whatever reason it was, Alhamdulillah I am grateful for everything and for the unknown.

Wait tadi nak tulis apa sebenarnya? Haaa lulz easily distracted. Okay in case I'll read this again, I'm just gonna note down how these three weeks went by (to validate all these rants, obviously haha)


Pro III 2017 (Here,harus lah kann)

Week 1


23 Julai
  • Perio MCQ
  • Perio SAQ
  • OMOP MCQ
  • OMOP SAQ


24 Julai
  • Ortho SAQ (2 hrs, 45 min of ....idk)
  • GDP MEQ (2 hrs, 30 min of 34 pages of ...idk too --- and you can't answer the next pages if you didn't finish the one on your table, then sibuk2 masukkan dan keluarkan satu2 kertas soalan dari envelope pulak oh my lama pulak jadinya nak urus hal kertas soalan dan envelope ni lulz padahal soalan senang pun takleh jawab apatah lagi yang susah eg camne nak kira BMI oh my whatever i don't even care how to calculate my BMI anyway haha)

25 Julai
  • Cons MCQ
  • Cons SAQ
No comment. Hmm life is that serious, you see.


26 Julai
  • Pros SAQ
  • Pros MCQ
I remember telling myself betapa dalam hidup ini ada banyak sangat masalah yang tak tertanggungkan sebagaimana banyaknya masalah prostho ni semua haaaa


27 Julai
  • Paeds MCQ
  • Paeds MEQ
I refused to remember, because oh tetiba teringat, when everybody is all prepared for oral amoxicillin, then somehow patient ni takleh tolerate oral and allergic to penicillin, so now what? Apa HUSM formulary, max dose of (apa) pulak ni? Tak nak clinda pulak. But some (like me) insisted bagi je la for the sake of answering the question knowing that patient tu akan develop whatever rashes ke allergic reaction la haha sambil dalam hati cakap sorry Dr but we just don't know and we just answered because it kind of hurt to see the blank space there hahaha


Maka habislah minggu satu. I repeat, minggu satu baru. Tujuh subjects (still alive, Alhamdulillah).


Minggu 2


31 Julai
  • Paeds (w 2 active stations) + OMOP (1 active station je) OSCE
Started with perbualan seorang diri dengan cordless phone with imaginary teacher kat sekolah mana entah yang student avulsed ni like whatever haha, and complex and blur history taking of omop case huaaa


1 Ogos (tetiba dah ogos okayy nangis)
  • OMOP VIVA (10 minit of my confused knowledge)
  • Ortho VIVA (20 minit yang lama sangat because ...idk)

2 Ogos 
  • Paeds VIVA (10 minit yang equal to 20% haha- started with you ni .... ke? Wow plot twist, la sangat hahah)

3 Ogos
  • Prostho VIVA
  • Perio VIVA
  • OMFS VIVA
  • Cons VIVA
Each room 20 minit, like lepas habis prostho kringgg keluar masuk perio pulak boom boom gituu tak sangka we survived too, padahal ni macam kira berani mati jugaklah lepas kena tembak sekali keluar then masuk bilik lain pulak kena bom haha (i don't know if it was the reality or not, but i would like to believe that i heard someone said YDW today sobs imaginary pun imaginary lah, at least I keluar with a smile and some giggle dari situ haha some simple good words meant a lot during this crucial time)


Maka habislah minggu kedua. Ketakutan untuk viva was undeniable. Mestilah kan, you have to cover semuaaa benda dalam subject tu and expect soalan to be like ... anything-under-the-sun. And you goreng like minyak tak berapa panas, pastu takut2 terpercik minyak pulak, ishh camne nak goreng ni haaa camtu. Susah. Tapi alhamdulillah still alive jugak.

(terus keluar makan dengan Gebuuuu malam tu T_T)



Minggu 3 (this week)


6 Ogos
  • GDP Entrepreneur presentation aka VIVA (30 minit okay what to say now, tang mana pulak nak jadi entrepreneur niii with DrB and DrR. Goreng sikit, hangit terus haha i cannot, last-last perbualan bertukar dengan drastik sampai last2 DrB tanya, "... so kenapa you ambik Dentistry in the first place?" Wahahahaha i don't know Dr hahaha lulz apakah perbualan di hujung tahun lima ni jadi begini hahaha ni total plot twist, i just wanted to end this journey well tanpa kisah where I'll be next, hence my uncertainties tapi Dr nampaknya berminat nak tau ke mana hala tuju kami lulz sorry Dr but I cannot predict my future yet so yup, I'll just continue to write then haha ----i'm keeping this story first okay, insyaAllah one day nanti kita cerita balik apa yang jadi sepanjang 30 minit tu lulz)
  • OMFS SAQ (eh bukan 2 hours pulak tetiba jadi 1hr and 15 min eh laju la tulis, tapi blur je banyak lulz apakah)

7 Ogos 
  • it's final --- OMFS OSCE (w 3 active stations)- Like last active station boleh pulak kelam kabut instrument jatuh ke lantai la, twist terbalik la, haa apa-apa je la i just wanted to end this haha

And petang tu, the list (half of it) keluar. I'm nowhere in the list - leaving me in this state of doubt, hence the heading (the unknown).


So yup, we're still waiting for the next list to be out, then pray hard that insyaAllah if He wills it, everyone would end this well, and if it's not His will yet, then may He guide us through. Till then, I guess I shall pray for the best for all.

InsyaAllah we'll be okay, amin! :)


-080817, a different day, woke up as early as 3am just because we slept wayyyy earlier last night, still here, in good and positive thoughts hehe






20170728

Reflection knocks 13: Verily, with every hardship comes ease (94:5-6)

Salam.

This is my Jumaat notes. It happened that one of our classmate shared a video about worrying sth like that (hence, my previous post kot haha), and the speaker shared 3 verses from the Quran to keep us going. 

Those 3 verses were:

1. Allah does not burden a soul beyond than it can bear (2:286) 

2. Verily, with every hardship comes ease (94:5-6)

3. Perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (2:216)


And our non-Muslim friend commented that she didn't get about the ease that comes along with the difficulties and ask for any explanation.

I stared at that comment and questioned myself about my understanding about that verse too. I replay the video (well i personally shared the video on my wall too haha) and i think since the speaker was saying that there are ease that comes alongside difficulties, hence the contemplation.

So I asked myself too. 

Maka sesungguhnya beserta kesulitan itu ada kemudahan. Sesungguhnya beserta kesulitan itu ada kemudahan.


Bukan selepas susah, tapi bersama-sama kesusahan. Hmm. So I googled for some explanation too la because it intrigued me too la kan obviously apakah kefahamanku selama ini sebenarnya haaa and sesat kah aku selama ni wahaha which brings me to tumblr (i miss tumblr, and so today after my last post in 2013, hey tumblr i'm back with a new post haha) and i found some thoughts about that too.


The one yang answered my question was a note from ust Yasmin Mogahed from her book, Reclaim your Heart:


"Allah (swt) tells us in a very profound ayah: 'Verily. With hardship comes ease.' (Quran, 94:5). Growing up I think I understood this ayah wrongly. I used to think it meant: after hardship comes ease. In other words I thought life was made up of good times and bad times. After the bad times, comes the good times. But that is not what the ayah is saying. The ayah is saying *with* hardship comes ease. The ease is at the same time as the hardship.This means that nothing in this life is ever all bad (or all good). In every bad situation we're in, there is always something to be grateful for. With hardship, Allah also gives us the strength and patience to bear it. "


Hmm so I fikir-fikir and hmm dan oo oo oo okay begitulah.

So i concluded this morning that to me, i think it means that during the difficulties, when you think everything is so hard/ wrong, Allah is reminding us that through out the difficulties, there are things that are going right. 

Macam dalam kesusahan tu, ada jugak kesenangan yg sometimes we tend to overlook or banyak lagi benda yg Allah dah permudahkan utk kita waktu kita rasa semua benda tu susah. Meaning that no matter had bad things are, there are always things to be grateful for too. Hmm gitu la kot

So obviously I used to think it was selepas susah, ada kesenangan but it's actually dengan kesusahan tu ada kesenangan. Though i think it might be depending on how you see it, perhaps different people would have different perception la kot

Jadinya pesanannya, sesukar mana pun your days, remember to look around dan tengoklah bagaimana Allah mudahkan benda-benda lain agar hati kita yang gundah gelana tak tentu hala tu tak terisaukan benda lain pula. Dia bagi satu masalah suruh kita fikir balik and mostly (hopefully) akan buat kita turn back to Him while Dia uruskan je perkara lain dalam kita tengah emosi tu


Dan jumpa pula video Mufti Menk about this too. Dia cakap, bila Allah uji dan kita rasa jatuh, ada 2 benda yang kita kena ingat. Bila kita down, Allah nak kita ingat yang ianya lagi senang jatuh dari bawah (vs dari atas) dan lesser pain bila dah jatuh and kita dah kat bawah (vs dari atas mountain, as he used jatuh dari mountain as comparison). Dan verse 2, Allah janjikan with every difficulties, sebenarnya ada 2 point of ease - verse 5 dan 6 sebenarnya tak refer to the same ease, he promised two ease with each one difficulty. Dan Allah uji sebab Allah nak keep us in check, hmm begitulah mercy nya Allah sobs

So it was a good start la jugak for my day today, haaa kena ketuk sikit ouch


So Amira, no matter how bad things are going to be (or are), be grateful. Say Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah for still making so much other things easy for me, for us despite the difficulties. And be okay, alright? Hehe okay remember syukur > sabar.


(Yesterday, a year ago, i didn't see this comin'- me sitting for proIII and everything. Even my post to myself last year was about verse 1 and I was somewhat positive after having some teary eyes moment after peptalk by DrK. Sweet life. Thank you Allah.)


Now let's pray may Allah ease this journey for us all, and hopefully this journey would bring us closer each day to Him, amin.

- and hopefully this hormonal thingy is temporary and we'll be okay as this phase pass-


here's to another good and tearful orchestra i stumbled upon at 3 am (haruslaa kan demi membuka mata tapi end up tidur macam biasa tak faham apa-apa pun la kan haaa) during my proIII days - dynamite!



oh sad note: baru sedar that it wasn't real pun. it was a cover and somehow someone was so gigih like what pergi match kan orchestra tu dengan the song, well whatever, still terharu tengok though now eh kena tipu ke, well whatever still lovin' it especially of course the slow part 

I'm gonna take it all
I, I'm gonna be the last one standing
Higher over all
I, I'm gonna be the last one landing

- 'cause it goes on and on and on, 'cause it goes on and on and on



done,
280717, here, i love myself, i love You.

Reflection knocks 12: The scary tomorrow

Assalamualaikum.

Today is Tuesday, d5ofProIII, paeds. 
One crazy week, packed and blur.


This is a post dedicated to the girl who is always anxious about tomorrow.
The one who find tomorrow is scary and always want to run away.

Be okay girl, be okay.

One, tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone.
So be okay, alright? Perhaps whatever battle or war you are scared about tomorrow would not even come close to you. Because you are not there anymore, tomorrow.

And because of this, too, be okay today. And be ready to leave.
You surely knew that the life you're heading tomorrow is way bigger and eternal than this worldly life. So be that traveler, keep whatever necessary to keep you going in the next life.

Two, it is always a 24-hours thing.
The good news is that it only lasted for 24 hours. And the bad new is that it lasted 24 hours, too. So if you think you are going to be slammed to the ground tomorrow, be okay. The 24 hours will passed. And you will start anew again.

Three, you did not get enough sleep for the past few days so you deserve one long sleep tonight so why don't you stop thinking and typing and go to sleep now girl. 

Thank you Allah, thank you world. 
I've learned a lot throughout these 24 years time.
Indeed, this life is undeniably, the journey from Allah to Allah.

Take care, be okay and let's keep improving ourselves for the day of return.
Okay?
Okay.


- 270717, here always, okay.

Reflection knocks 11: To the future (6m) me

Tonight is 27 Ramadan,
You surely are hormonal now.
You cries like so suddenly, so hard, and so unstoppable.
And that's you - today, and these past few days,
That's okay.


- 21 June 2016, here.

20170619

Reflection knocks 10: Will I be able to?

Assalamualaikum, greetings from 25th Ramadan 1438H.


With that being said, well obviously 9/10 Ramadan berlalu dengan laju tak tertahankan dan pergi begitu saja. Hmm apa yang jadi ya? I want to remember it as those days yang ada some impact or at least ada some meaning ke apa, but i guess in the end it's all about some 24 year old girl yang kalut-kalut tak tahu nak kejar requirements mana yang patut settle dulu because obviously everything is not completed and yet you want to end this five year process in this one go. Well- maksudnya apa tu, maksudnya it's all about this somebody cuba mengejar dunia tapi dunia ini ternyata melelahkan dan tak terkejarkan pun. Dan masa haruslah begitu, berlalu tak tersedarkan dan bila kita toleh ke belakang balik - oh lima enam bulan dah berlalu dan setahun pun sudah sampai ke hujung.


Dan ini adalah saat-saat kita terasa teruji - dari semua sudut. Sudut melihat orang selesai, sudut menunduk tengok kaki dan tangan yang kosong tak pasti mampu ke tidak, sudut cubaan memahami kenapa kita begini dan kenapa yang pernah sampai boleh lari, sudut orang yang nak mendidik tapi gagal di mata kita yang kurang terdidik, sudut cari cahaya untuk tiga bulan atau enam bulan ke masa depan, dan sudut-sudut kecil tu semua.


Di mana kita?


I'm almost at the end of the time. There's only six days left. Times two. Make it about twelve chances. And pray hard that these twelve chances won't go wasted and it can turn your whole life around into something you'll call miracle.


*nangis hormonal tapi lagu pun kenapa sedih time ni*



We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow
This time we'll take it slow
This time we'll take it slow


Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know


- Well part of me is being hormonal but John Legend singing Ordinary People at this moment is another thing okay - cryyy T__T




Anyway let me tell you a story. It so happened that in this final year, I actually found someone.

Plot twist: Nope. Actually last year. During my fourth year. In Perhentian. Someone who actually listened to Vincent. Like hello, Vincent kot --- remember? While staring at the stars - the so-called star gazing moments by the beach - this someone can sing 'Stary stary night'. Like weiii hello there my friend!


Sebenarnya takde la baru jumpa as in tak pernah jumpa. Ada je through out these five years lolo cuma baru tahu ehh tahu lagu Vincent ke? Aww this must be fate!

Seterusnya cerita bersambung di tahun lima - bila dikongsi satu lagu sedih menghiris-hiris hati lulz dengar tajuk je pun tahu betapa nazak nya keadaan kami berdua saat ini lolo


And this time, it's called --- stay alive.

Ouch.


It's like dengar je rhythm and the song as general walau tak berapa nak dengar lagi lyric, pastu okay boleh terus down sujud di lantai menangis lolo over gila haha, tapi seriously Jose Gonzalez's Stay Alive sedih kot hahah (sambung being hormonal and cry part 2)


Thanks umi, for suddenly being here, for being around. Even at one moment (in May/June 2017- towards the end of this), perbualan kami berbunyi begini, "We meet at the right time." Lololo




And dah berapa kali juga actually terfikir satu benda ni. It is something that seems like the truth but you don't wanna share it because the truth hurts. It happened almost, almost (or actually, almost every time it happened, you think about this possibility) every time when you think it won't work -- and somehow, it really didn't. And you sit - and ponder bout this possibility.


Could it be real?

That if you're not ready, it wouldn't come close to you, or it didn't come to you because you're not ready.


-- and tonight, two lights fade away - and every time they run away (I would say they run, because each time, I always see myself as someone who actually is running after them and keep pestering around -- and that's exhaustive you see, I don't really enjoy that moments of interrupting other people's life and time, asking their time and energy to keep their mouth open for me to do things -- which of course, if it's me, someday i'll run too, made them run, too) -- every time they run, my heart ached. Like this small, throbbing but dull pain at that one spot like somebody just stabbed you and they just went away - haaa seriously though, this is not me being hormonal, this is me being honest (too bad - i'm that emotional lolo). Welcome to my heart, guys.


---------

Guess that ends my rant tonight.

Till then, please pray for me and all of us, that He'll bestow upon us,
whatever is the best for our dunya and akhirah.

---

Overthinking bout dunya.
Goodbye world.
(:


*run*

(i mean, sleep).



1156pm, 19 June 2017
(ohmy birthday sape tuu coming real soon awww - always).

take care! :)