Everglow

It's there, though we never really talk about it.

Like when we're seating in the cafe, while waiting for my flight and when Noy asked, what happened before? And you said, nothing, just some emotional outbursts and you're just feeling tired and sad so you cried and Dods video called and you just continue to cry without really making eye contact with her until you're tired and you both hung up. And when you knew Nina refused to join the call because she know what's happening and she's feeling it too and that's how she's going to deal with it - alone, in her own time and place.

Or after waking up on Saturday in the homestay, watching the kids playing in the pool and everyone's not rushing yet because the event starts at 12 and being us, we'll take shower at ten and rush through the last minute make up and stuff, so that's fine but you can't help but think about what would mama say or do at such time and hour.

Or when you picked up a book about love and the review at the back said something about complexity of grief and that's how you decided to buy the book because perhaps that book might be the one for you now - the sad and grieving one.

Or when you're saying goodbye to those driving home and as you waved, you noticed mok's eyes were teary while waving back at you and your heart felt heavier now.

Or when they're ready for landing and you're staring outside and you saw stars and more stars appeared as you continue staring and that's when the song came into play, as if asking you - how long will I love you, as long as stars are above you - and the tears started to roll down and your mask started to get wet but it's dark and you still got time until landing, so you just continue to dwell in your sadness and cry on silently while staring at the stars and you know you miss her now more than you admit.

And then coldplay came next and sing to you - when I close my eyes, when I close my eyes, I see you, when I close my eyes, when I close my eyes, you come through, you - and you continued to cry and wonder, if you've seen these bright stars in sabah sky and if you never did, i wish you would see brighter and more beautiful stars there and though we miss you and want you to be here, i hope you are happy there too.


After you left, I wrote some intro for my next post, on that Sunday morning on the first weekend after I came back here. Wrote a paragraph or two about you, but each sentence reminds me of you more and more and so I cried on every line and then I stopped writing.

Because it's hard to put them all in words and continue writing without any emotions or some sobbing or tears and be okay about it - but here I am, putting some of my thoughts about you during my flight last night, just because they needed to be heard somehow and I want to see them- all these thoughts, feelings, loneliness and longings for you - in words.

1205pm, proud to say that i wrote with some serious face, and no tears; writing here now as i just got back from kl and they said it's safer for me not to do patients for now, and so i spent my morning in room 39 or our isolation room as we named it as of today - how i wish i could tell you this and see your response to everything now but you're not here, so yeah, still gonna write it for the sake of ...idk, myself, maybe?

Miss you, ma.