If you knew how 2020 would come to you, what would you tell yourself?
1. Stop the time. Don’t enter 2020. Stop at January, keep it in loop and just stay there if you must. Don’t move forward. What’s coming next would be a rollercoaster of emotional ride – the loss of the pillar of your life and things would get messy, ugly and devastating from that point onwards.
2. You’ll lose yourself. And you’ll wonder if you’ll be okay again.
3. You’ll cry more and more than you can ever imagine. And that’s okay, because 2020 is not your year to begin with and yes, life’s especially hard this year and crying would be your best and random surviving tool. You’ll cry almost every day and sometimes at random places and time – in bed (top of the list, I lost count already), during solah and prayers, in the car on the way to and from work, during shower (sometimes after tearful nights, sometimes after you dreamt of mama and mostly, just at random thoughts of her and of whatever comes afterwards), at the airport (you’ll remember this one for life- as you exit the plane on that fateful February) and as you recount those ad-hoc tickets bought, in the taxi on the way to the hospital’s mortuary (you’ll remember this one also, so be brave girl, you’ll cry a lot), whenever you saw mother-daughter scenes in whatever movies or dramas you’re watching, or whenever you read past messages or re-watch videos of us or see our pictures or come across everything that reminds you of what you’ve lost and when you wonder about your future without her, you’ll cry. And you’ll wonder how much tears you have in you.
4. You’ll remember February as a sad month, March as your breaking point, April and May as your struggling days, June would come as an unexpected turn of your life and it’s ugly and you would say to yourself, I though February was bad enough but hey look at June and July and how we are actually at a deeper pit than we thought and oh life could be so heartbreaking and wow am I really this tough to face this? And I guess August would be the month you’re trying to make sense of everything and yet, you keep failing and couldn’t be okay. And you pray for a better September, though you actually don’t think it would be and don’t hope much, so yeah.
5. You’ll wonder about your mental health. Are you really okay? It was only 30th June, but a hell lot has happened, and it’s barely six months into 2020 so you’ll be asking yourself, are you really okay?
6. You’ll ask Allah a lot, and obviously most of it would be through unspoken words and tears. And you’ll have to remind yourself, that He would not test you beyond your capabilities and at some point, you’ll be amazed and puzzled because you’re at your breaking point and you don’t think you can go through more tests and you’ll ask Allah again, am I really up to this, like, I know that You know about everything and whatever I’m going through but I don’t think I can do this, and yet I also know that You will not test me beyond my limit so really? Am I really this tough to actually face these storms and come out of them alive, because you knew I would? Yeah, you’ll ask Him a lot. And you’ll pray for His help and relief, through the unknown. So, be okay, okay? As they said, if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it, so keep holding on, okay? You’ll be okay soon, insyaAllah.
7. As much as you think you’re suffering, there’s also a hell lot to be thankful for. So be okay, alright?
8. Good news will come to those you love and cherish. It’s their time and it’s time to be happy for them (though yeah you may still be down and grumpy and gloomy and stuck with your life, but heyy life goes on for others, so yeay I’m actually glad life turns out to be good and better for those I cherish, this year!). Congrats guys! :)
9. I guess you’ll turn bitter this year haha. Can’t deny this, like hey are you sure you’ll be okay if this happen to you?
10. Have faith. He knows. He knows and sees everything. Trust in His wisdom and timing. You’ll be okay.
11. Perhaps you can start counting months now, the end could be near. Don’t worry too much, your fate and rizq are written. You’ll get whatever is yours so yeah be okay with whatever’s coming. Know that He knows better and I’m just praying for a peaceful end to all of this.
12. Take care of yourself. You only have yourself to rely on. And Allah hehe :)
It’s been a hard year.
February. June. Now it’s almost
September. Guess we’re all fighting our own battles, silently and for that and
those silent tears and duas, I pray that Allah will heal our hearts and guide
us through, amin. After all, apa yang kita nak? Hati yang tenang dan nak Allah
redha dengan kita. Dan untuk itu, semoga Allah bagi kita jalan keluar dari
semua ini dan bimbing kita pelan-pelan, amin.
InsyaAllah, semoga seorang Amira ni akan okay dan tenang, bi iznillah. Semoga yang baik-baik sajalah yang mendatang, amin. Take care! :)
- 31082020, 0510pm, cca2, x; again, to the (unknown).
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