Waves of grief

#Exhibit A

Didn’t cry for several days, which probably means I was okay or maybe ignorant (in denial, trying hard not to think or trigger any memory). Then Fathiah called, crying (she’s hormonal -understandable) & being okay, I said ala jangan la sedih-sedih. Then right after that, tengok video Ustaz Ebit and mak cik tu duduk sorang-sorang, an oku and paling penting, dia nangis rindu mak dia and I was like, me tooooooo and no, I’m not okay so menangislah sampai tidur.

#Exhibit B

Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom.

I was looking for something light to read before sleep last night.

##Note one; I’ve cried reading For One More Day.

Fun facts: Tanpa sedar, I think, I selalu akan pick up something sad for some sad occasions.

Mini exhibit A- My first time warded & going to be operated on (made worse dengan diagnosis of something “suspicious” and paling best, being told directly to undergo it under GA on the next week after the review appointment) – that was the ultimate plot twist of Dec 2015-Jan 2016 of my life (girl, you gotta remember all the sudden tears and chaos; you did well!).

So I’ve picked up the book (from home kot) to be read in the ward (mini fun facts: Sometimes I think such an event might be one of the reasons why Allah put me somewhere so close to home during my undergrad years, so alhamdulillah). Took a picture with the book in hand, me in the blue hospital cloth; dated 6 Jan 2016. Why? Adakah sebab buku tu looks like someone’s dying or tengah desperate for another chance and I’m uncertain of my future because of the diagnosis earlier? Mungkin. I don’t recall the reasons now. Did I finish the book? No. But I managed to get out of the surgery well (I called it ‘the journey to the moon’ - which was dark and short in distance) & got discharged, got my definitive diagnosis hm around one month later (it was benign, so alhamdulillah) and yet didn’t managed to finish the book (I think I didn’t even read more than 5 pages anyway lulz).

And never pick it up again, until Jan 2020.

Mini exhibit B- Jan 2020: I’m home for our ‘now-usual-home-rotation’ but Allah got different plan for us. Mama suddenly got worse two days before my flight and I wasn’t okay, obviously. Mama’s warded and it’s my turn untuk teman malam tu (with Noy maybe). I remember pusing-pusing almari kat atas, cari buku and after years, I’m picking it up again. I’ve decided that now is the right time for me to actually finish this book; except for the fact that this time, someone else is not okay, at the hospital.

Took another picture of the book and mama on 13 Jan 2020, with the forewords as quoted:

But ask yourself this: Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back?

Forewords pun dah emo. Jadi haruslah Amira tak mampu nak habiskan buku ni kat hospital. Mama was discharged the next day and I spent the next few days kat rumah (others mostly dah balik, I extend cuti) adapting ourselves with mama’s condition.

Looking back, hm no one would expect that week would be my last week at home with mama. Okay sedih T___T

Mini exhibit C: And you wonder bila akhirnya satu buku tu berjaya dihabiskan?

One side note, kadang kita memang tak boleh jangka apa yang Allah susun dalam hidup ni. Sambung cerita, I fly back to sabah hari Ahad kot. Then isnin selasa rabu kerja okay, then by lunch time, Noy informed they’re on their way to hospital again sebab mama got worse again (macam previous admission).

Not so fun facts: Before dapat whatsapp tu, I sempat post an entry. Then suddenly, boom plot twist. End up lunch dengan mata berair. Thus, my side note above.

Dilema waktu tu adalah tiket mahal that week sebab cny and they said, it’s okay biar orang lain rotate dulu balik rumah teman mama since I baru je habis cuti and advised me to buy tiket on the next weekend, so I did.

Tapi adakah hidup kita aman, bila dapat berita begitu and being so far from home and knowing things are in fact, not okay? No. And that weekend was the time I actually broke down to Aimie and Syarfa because your girl ain’t okay; on 25 Jan 2020.

And that’s the day she actually started to re-read and finished the book. Dan nangis lagi dan lagi….

Quoting the saddest excerpt of it:

“Your mom… She died.”

I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in doing so, they split you apart.

In such time and circumstances, you will definitely cry. It’s a sad book and I’m sad so yeah, we’re compatible with each other.

And I actually revisit that part of the book after mama left us, and cry again for the truth of it. And I pray that others would never hear those words or go through such loss ever. Because you’ll never be the same again, death - it changed me.

x x x

So yeah, Tuesdays with Morrie was equally heart-breaking. Lagi sedih kot, especially now as I keep on thinking about mama throughout the story.

Like when Morrie said having someone wiping his ass was the ultimate sign of dependency, I wonder, did mama felt that way too?

Or when he said something about looking outside, being unable to move, or when he said, when you’re in bed, you’re dead - I wonder, how did you feel ma, being bedridden during that last one month?

Or when he talked about being sick, and knowing that you’re dying, ma, how do you feel, with you knowing the situation and whatever the doctors are discussing about during those ward rounds?

“The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us ever got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough. “

At such words, I’m transported back to that one day on the last week I’m with mama - when she actually looked at me as I was sitting on the bed next to her – and suddenly pinched my nose and smiled. I remember feeling awkward because you never did that before and you’re looking at me like you’re going to leave me soon, ma.

What was on your mind, ma? Did you feel sad or worried about me, ma? I’ll never know ma, what was on your mind at that time. And for such rare moments – I’ll keep them in my memory, ma.

x x x 

Morrie- on death, marriage, forgiveness and the perfect day;

“Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

When you realize you’re going to die, you see everything much differently. If you accept that you can die at any time, then you might not be as ambitious as you are. The things you spend so much time on – might not seem as important.”

“Love each other or perish.”

“There are few rules I know to be true about love and marriage. If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike.

And the biggest one of those values?

Your belief in the importance of your marriage. Love each other or perish."

“Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others.”

“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.

Death ends a life, not a relationship.”

x x x

And of course, I finished the book this morning with a great sob and stream of tears. Shared and told my sisters about it and Dods replied with – Day 50.

And I asked, kenapa kira hari? (makin kuat nangis) T____T

I try not to count the days because honestly, I cried so hard when it hits day 30 and I remembered telling Qilah lepas nangis, baru sebulan – like all these pain and tears, ni baru sebulan? Lamaaaa gila rasa rindu sedih ni semua and ni baru sebulan? So I stopped counting.

Btw these few months had been extremely long ---like long and heavy and slow and hard.

And these RMO, somehow kitorang semua syukur sebab urusan mama semua alhamdulillah Allah bagi selesai sebelum semua ni jadi makin teruk. Kami semua somehow at some point fikir benda yang sama, susah nak imagine kalau mama still ada lagi, dengan sakit dan susah nak travel semua, so yeah betul la, Allah knows best and He did it according to His timing, which is better for us all. Alhamdulillah.

And these free time – bagus jugak for us all to stop and reflect on our lives (and for me, to slow down and slowly adapting with my feelings and loss – which is hard, like so hard, I don’t know what would trigger me next or why would I cry --- like that one random day, when my housemate masak kari and I tetiba nangis bila terhidu waktu dia tengah masak tu, sebab teringat mama used to masak kari bila ramai-ramai balik rumah on weekends; so hm susahnya rasa rindu yang datang randomly camni like i miss you every day ma.)

One part of me nak sibukkan diri supaya kurang fikir, thinking that all these free time akan buat kita lebih sedih. But one part of me also nak jauhkan diri dari semua orang so that I can be sad alone. So yeah, if you’re reading this, then just know that I don’t even know myself now haha kadang okay, kadang teringat sikit mengalir air mata laju, tapi kadang okay je. Ajaib kan rasa rindu dan loss ni, dia macam hm so unstable, will I be okay? 

So begitulah. As I would always say bila orang cakap stay strong (I didn’t have a choice, do I?) – insyaAllah, slowly but surely, mudah-mudahan Allah tolong la. Mungkin ambik masa kot untuk slowly adapt dengan rasa kehilangan ni, tapi insyaAllah one day, insyaAllah okay.

So I need everyone’s prayer now –  tolong doakan semoga Amira ni akan baik-baik je dan tak sedih-sedih sangat, pastu boleh jadi orang yang Allah sayang lepas tu boleh masuk syurga jumpa mama balik.

Doakan kita please, thank youuuu T___T

-12042020, 1248am, cca2, another long emotional day, always missing you, ma.