20210822

Lil (dark) thoughts

 It's been almost a year now since the last post, so hey!

Can't even remember what I wrote, so I've read the last post again and now I guess I deserve the tightest hug ever 'cause girl, you soooo deserve it! You did well, you did very well despite the ugliness of it all (ah sorry not sorry for the very early negative vibes 'cause life sucks haa it's no joke so yeah it's ugly and you did very well by surviving through it and still alive! -- p/s: pun intended, please tell me you got the croods' joke here xD) so yeahh here's some hugs and love for myself! *self pat* <3


To that girl, I love you!

I'm from the future so yup lemme summarize it all for you;

Life goes on.

(and you're okay, well most of the days!)


I guess you were looking for some escapism or maybe a clearer path or purpose last year, and He did guide you to and through it. Mobilisasi for two months and then (finally, like finally after months of waiting) it's out - and remember you had this moment of sadness as you're about to unload the truth and you felt so alone and deep inside you, you prayed that she's still here to keep you company through it all and yet you know it's such a wishful thinking and yup, you ended up facing the future on your own. And I'm gonna hug you tighter for surviving that moment of your life.

Then you've embarked the new, long road ahead of you for quite some time now. It's not the same road but it was alright. Sure, things were not great either. I'm sorry that you can't go back for that one event (like THAT one event of life you're compulsory to attend 'cause it's the singletbands dream day!) but gurl you missed it, so I'm gonna go cry with you now wuwu and few more episodes of heartache came too and yup let's cry some more because the truth is the pain is still there and no we're not done yet with all these non-ending trials oh how trying these past few months are so aaa you just gotta stay sane and just put your trust in Him.

The aim today was to write a proper non-negative things or life update but the reality of life can't beat this so here's the truth. We're still struggling to make it day by day, but we're getting by, slowly. And that's the update for now.

Apart from getting to know others' life progress (or progresses, I would say hehe alhamdulillah guys and girlsss for whatever next life goals or milestones you're achieving or getting close to next) and being happy for them, you can't help but to wonder about yours, can you?

Well, there's two perspectives on this at the moment.

One (the dominant one)- It's okay like real okay because at this moment, truly I can't afford another load of weight hahhah i'm barely surviving, can't you see? Haha and to know that some fellow actually move on and got what he's looking for since last year, ah thank God and congrats to you because honestly I know how dark, twisty (i'm no Meredith but hey it's Greys xD) and depressing I was and still am haha so yeah it's good to know that you're moving along alright :D

And the absolute core would be - our priority. And mine at the moment, is about the F. Hence, the attitude and perspective of whatever, it's your life so heyy i'm happy for you and your achievements and it's okay for me too 'cause i just want to move forward at this pace for now and i'll just go with the flow so yeah let's be happy at our own pace and place, okayy? -- aah please read this with some imaginary background of love sprinkles and balloons and wideee smile :)

Yup, and I think acknowledging this state of my mind now is very crucial in um surviving my days, no? Ah okay whatever i think it is so yeah, let's just allow these word of affirmation to seep deeper inside me *glup glup*

Oh the other minor thoughts would be, umm well I'm quite unsure of it too, actually. It's like those brief thoughts that pass you by at some random hours. You just -- think and wonder, i guess?


Well I think that pretty much concludes the day. Oh life can be quite rough I guess and I know I'm putting a higher barricade or whatsoever this is, but aahh how I wish we can see things a little bit clearer and not as messy as it is now and maybe, a lil bit uncomplicated, please? Because honestly I think this is sooo complex and vague and complicated and dark and heavy, ahh how do you even live through this? 

I want to be at peace.

Semoga Tuhan memeluk semua doa kita dan bagi jalan keluar dan bawa masuk ke taman-taman tenang dan penuh kasih sayang. Doakan kita semua tenang dan baik-baik okay? 



22082021, 3.05pm, cca2 still, brighter days pls.





20200831

life crumbles

If you knew how 2020 would come to you, what would you tell yourself?

1. Stop the time. Don’t enter 2020. Stop at January, keep it in loop and just stay there if you must. Don’t move forward. What’s coming next would be a rollercoaster of emotional ride – the loss of the pillar of your life and things would get messy, ugly and devastating from that point onwards.  

2. You’ll lose yourself. And you’ll wonder if you’ll be okay again.

3. You’ll cry more and more than you can ever imagine. And that’s okay, because 2020 is not your year to begin with and yes, life’s especially hard this year and crying would be your best and random surviving tool. You’ll cry almost every day and sometimes at random places and time – in bed (top of the list, I lost count already), during solah and prayers, in the car on the way to and from work, during shower (sometimes after tearful nights, sometimes after you dreamt of mama and mostly, just at random thoughts of her and of whatever comes afterwards), at the airport (you’ll remember this one for life- as you exit the plane on that fateful February) and as you recount those ad-hoc tickets bought, in the taxi on the way to the hospital’s mortuary (you’ll remember this one also, so be brave girl, you’ll cry a lot), whenever you saw mother-daughter scenes in whatever movies or dramas you’re watching, or whenever you read past messages or re-watch videos of us or see our pictures or come across everything that reminds you of what you’ve lost and when you wonder about your future without her, you’ll cry. And you’ll wonder how much tears you have in you.

4. You’ll remember February as a sad month, March as your breaking point, April and May as your struggling days, June would come as an unexpected turn of your life and it’s ugly and you would say to yourself, I though February was bad enough but hey look at June and July and how we are actually at a deeper pit than we thought and oh life could be so heartbreaking and wow am I really this tough to face this? And I guess August would be the month you’re trying to make sense of everything and yet, you keep failing and couldn’t be okay. And you pray for a better September, though you actually don’t think it would be and don’t hope much, so yeah.

5. You’ll wonder about your mental health. Are you really okay? It was only 30th June, but a hell lot has happened, and it’s barely six months into 2020 so you’ll be asking yourself, are you really okay?

6. You’ll ask Allah a lot, and obviously most of it would be through unspoken words and tears. And you’ll have to remind yourself, that He would not test you beyond your capabilities and at some point, you’ll be amazed and puzzled because you’re at your breaking point and you don’t think you can go through more tests and you’ll ask Allah again, am I really up to this, like, I know that You know about everything and whatever I’m going through but I don’t think I can do this, and yet I also know that You will not test me beyond my limit so really? Am I really this tough to actually face these storms and come out of them alive, because you knew I would? Yeah, you’ll ask Him a lot. And you’ll pray for His help and relief, through the unknown. So, be okay, okay? As they said, if He brings you to it, He’ll bring you through it, so keep holding on, okay? You’ll be okay soon, insyaAllah.

7. As much as you think you’re suffering, there’s also a hell lot to be thankful for. So be okay, alright?

8. Good news will come to those you love and cherish. It’s their time and it’s time to be happy for them (though yeah you may still be down and grumpy and gloomy and stuck with your life, but heyy life goes on for others, so yeay I’m actually glad life turns out to be good and better for those I cherish, this year!). Congrats guys! :)

9. I guess you’ll turn bitter this year haha. Can’t deny this, like hey are you sure you’ll be okay if this happen to you?

10. Have faith. He knows. He knows and sees everything. Trust in His wisdom and timing. You’ll be okay.

11. Perhaps you can start counting months now, the end could be near. Don’t worry too much, your fate and rizq are written. You’ll get whatever is yours so yeah be okay with whatever’s coming. Know that He knows better and I’m just praying for a peaceful end to all of this.

12. Take care of yourself. You only have yourself to rely on. And Allah hehe :)

 

It’s been a hard year. February. June. Now it’s almost September. Guess we’re all fighting our own battles, silently and for that and those silent tears and duas, I pray that Allah will heal our hearts and guide us through, amin. After all, apa yang kita nak? Hati yang tenang dan nak Allah redha dengan kita. Dan untuk itu, semoga Allah bagi kita jalan keluar dari semua ini dan bimbing kita pelan-pelan, amin.

 

InsyaAllah, semoga seorang Amira ni akan okay dan tenang, bi iznillah. Semoga yang baik-baik sajalah yang mendatang, amin. Take care! :)


- 31082020, 0510pm, cca2, x; again, to the (unknown). 



20200413

Waves of grief


#Exhibit A

Didn’t cry for several days, which probably means I was okay or maybe ignorant (in denial, trying hard not to think or trigger any memory). Then Fathiah called, crying (she’s hormonal -understandable) & being okay, I said ala jangan la sedih-sedih. Then right after that, tengok video Ustaz Ebit and mak cik tu duduk sorang-sorang, an oku and paling penting, dia nangis rindu mak dia and I was like, me tooooooo and no, I’m not okay so menangislah sampai tidur.



#Exhibit B

Tuesdays with Morrie, Mitch Albom.
I was looking for something light to read before sleep last night.


##Note one; I’ve cried reading For One More Day.

Fun facts: Tanpa sedar, I think, I selalu akan pick up something sad for some sad occasions.

Mini exhibit A- My first time warded & going to be operated on (made worse dengan diagnosis of something “suspicious” and paling best, being told directly to undergo it under GA on the next week after the review appointment) – that was the ultimate plot twist of Dec 2015-Jan 2016 of my life (girl, you gotta remember all the sudden tears and chaos; you did well!).

So I’ve picked up the book (from home kot) to be read in the ward (mini fun facts: Sometimes I think such an event might be one of the reasons why Allah put me somewhere so close to home during my undergrad years, so alhamdulillah). Took a picture with the book in hand, me in the blue hospital cloth; dated 6 Jan 2016. Why? Adakah sebab buku tu looks like someone’s dying or tengah desperate for another chance and I’m uncertain of my future because of the diagnosis earlier? Mungkin. I don’t recall the reasons now. Did I finish the book? No. But I managed to get out of the surgery well (I called it ‘the journey to the moon’ - which was dark and short in distance) & got discharged, got my definitive diagnosis hm around one month later (it was benign, so alhamdulillah) and yet didn’t managed to finish the book (I think I didn’t even read more than 5 pages anyway lulz).

And never pick it up again, until Jan 2020.


Mini exhibit B- Jan 2020: I’m home for our ‘now-usual-home-rotation’ but Allah got different plan for us. Mama suddenly got worse two days before my flight and I wasn’t okay, obviously. Mama’s warded and it’s my turn untuk teman malam tu (with Noy maybe). I remember pusing-pusing almari kat atas, cari buku and after years, I’m picking it up again. I’ve decided that now is the right time for me to actually finish this book; except for the fact that this time, someone else is not okay, at the hospital.

Took another picture of the book and mama on 13 Jan 2020, with the forewords as quoted:

But ask yourself this: Have you ever lost someone you love and wanted one more conversation, one more chance to make up for the time when you thought they would be here forever? If so, then you know you can go your whole life collecting days, and none will outweigh the one you wish you had back. What if you got it back?

Forewords pun dah emo. Jadi haruslah Amira tak mampu nak habiskan buku ni kat hospital. Mama was discharged the next day and I spent the next few days kat rumah (others mostly dah balik, I extend cuti) adapting ourselves with mama’s condition.

Looking back, hm no one would expect that week would be my last week at home with mama. Okay sedih T___T



Mini exhibit C: And you wonder bila akhirnya satu buku tu berjaya dihabiskan?

One side note, kadang kita memang tak boleh jangka apa yang Allah susun dalam hidup ni. Sambung cerita, I fly back to sabah hari Ahad kot. Then isnin selasa rabu kerja okay, then by lunch time, Noy informed they’re on their way to hospital again sebab mama got worse again (macam previous admission).

Not so fun facts: Before dapat whatsapp tu, I sempat post an entry. Then suddenly, boom plot twist. End up lunch dengan mata berair. Thus, my side note above.


Dilema waktu tu adalah tiket mahal that week sebab cny and they said, it’s okay biar orang lain rotate dulu balik rumah teman mama since I baru je habis cuti and advised me to buy tiket on the next weekend, so I did.

Tapi adakah hidup kita aman, bila dapat berita begitu and being so far from home and knowing things are in fact, not okay? No. And that weekend was the time I actually broke down to Aimie and Syarfa because your girl ain’t okay; on 25 Jan 2020.

And that’s the day she actually started to re-read and finished the book. Dan nangis lagi dan lagi….


Quoting the saddest excerpt of it:

“Your mom… She died.”

I hope you never hear those words. Your mom. She died. They are different than other words. They are too big to fit in your ears. They belong to some strange, heavy, powerful language that pounds away at the side of your head, a wrecking ball coming at you again and again, until finally, the words crack a hole large enough to fit inside your brain. And in doing so, they split you apart.


In such time and circumstances, you will definitely cry. It’s a sad book and I’m sad so yeah, we’re compatible with each other.

And I actually revisit that part of the book after mama left us, and cry again for the truth of it. And I pray that others would never hear those words or go through such loss ever. Because you’ll never be the same again, death - it changed me.


x x x

So yeah, Tuesdays with Morrie was equally heart-breaking. Lagi sedih kot, especially now as I keep on thinking about mama throughout the story.

Like when Morrie said having someone wiping his ass was the ultimate sign of dependency, I wonder, did mama felt that way too?

Or when he said something about looking outside, being unable to move, or when he said, when you’re in bed, you’re dead - I wonder, how did you feel ma, being bedridden during that last one month?

Or when he talked about being sick, and knowing that you’re dying, ma, how do you feel, with you knowing the situation and whatever the doctors are discussing about during those ward rounds?


“The truth is, when our mothers held us, rocked us, stroked our heads- none of us ever got enough of that. We all yearn in some way to return to those days when we were completely taken care of- unconditional love, unconditional attention. Most of us didn’t get enough. “

At such words, I’m transported back to that one day on the last week I’m with mama - when she actually looked at me as I was sitting on the bed next to her – and suddenly pinched my nose and smiled. I remember feeling awkward because you never did that before and you’re looking at me like you’re going to leave me soon, ma.

What was on your mind, ma? Did you feel sad or worried about me, ma? I’ll never know ma, what was on your mind at that time. And for such rare moments – I’ll keep them in my memory, ma.


x x x 

Morrie- on death, marriage, forgiveness and the perfect day;


“Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live.

When you realize you’re going to die, you see everything much differently. If you accept that you can die at any time, then you might not be as ambitious as you are. The things you spend so much time on – might not seem as important.”


“Love each other or perish.”

“There are few rules I know to be true about love and marriage. If you don’t respect the other person, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you don’t know how to compromise, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. If you can’t talk openly about what goes on between you, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. And if you don’t have a common set of values in life, you’re gonna have a lot of trouble. Your values must be alike.

And the biggest one of those values?

Your belief in the importance of your marriage. Love each other or perish."


“Forgive yourself before you die. Then forgive others.”


“As long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on- in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.

Death ends a life, not a relationship.”


x x x


And of course, I finished the book this morning with a great sob and stream of tears. Shared and told my sisters about it and Dods replied with – Day 50.

And I asked, kenapa kira hari? (makin kuat nangis) T____T


I try not to count the days because honestly, I cried so hard when it hits day 30 and I remembered telling Qilah lepas nangis, baru sebulan – like all these pain and tears, ni baru sebulan? Lamaaaa gila rasa rindu sedih ni semua and ni baru sebulan? So I stopped counting.

Btw these few months had been extremely long ---like long and heavy and slow and hard.


And these RMO, somehow kitorang semua syukur sebab urusan mama semua alhamdulillah Allah bagi selesai sebelum semua ni jadi makin teruk. Kami semua somehow at some point fikir benda yang sama, susah nak imagine kalau mama still ada lagi, dengan sakit dan susah nak travel semua, so yeah betul la, Allah knows best and He did it according to His timing, which is better for us all. Alhamdulillah.

And these free time – bagus jugak for us all to stop and reflect on our lives (and for me, to slow down and slowly adapting with my feelings and loss – which is hard, like so hard, I don’t know what would trigger me next or why would I cry --- like that one random day, when my housemate masak kari and I tetiba nangis bila terhidu waktu dia tengah masak tu, sebab teringat mama used to masak kari bila ramai-ramai balik rumah on weekends; so hm susahnya rasa rindu yang datang randomly camni like i miss you every day ma.)

One part of me nak sibukkan diri supaya kurang fikir, thinking that all these free time akan buat kita lebih sedih. But one part of me also nak jauhkan diri dari semua orang so that I can be sad alone. So yeah, if you’re reading this, then just know that I don’t even know myself now haha kadang okay, kadang teringat sikit mengalir air mata laju, tapi kadang okay je. Ajaib kan rasa rindu dan loss ni, dia macam hm so unstable, will I be okay? 


So begitulah. As I would always say bila orang cakap stay strong (I didn’t have a choice, do I?) – insyaAllah, slowly but surely, mudah-mudahan Allah tolong la. Mungkin ambik masa kot untuk slowly adapt dengan rasa kehilangan ni, tapi insyaAllah one day, insyaAllah okay.

So I need everyone’s prayer now –  tolong doakan semoga Amira ni akan baik-baik je dan tak sedih-sedih sangat, pastu boleh jadi orang yang Allah sayang lepas tu boleh masuk syurga jumpa mama balik.

Doakan kita please, thank youuuu T___T


-12042020, 1248am, cca2, another long emotional day, always missing you, ma.

20200316

Everglow

It's there, though we never really talk about it.

Like when we're seating in the cafe, while waiting for my flight and when Noy asked, what happened before? And you said, nothing, just some emotional outbursts and you're just feeling tired and sad so you cried and Dods video called and you just continue to cry without really making eye contact with her until you're tired and you both hung up. And when you knew Nina refused to join the call because she know what's happening and she's feeling it too and that's how she's going to deal with it - alone, in her own time and place.

Or after waking up on Saturday in the homestay, watching the kids playing in the pool and everyone's not rushing yet because the event starts at 12 and being us, we'll take shower at ten and rush through the last minute make up and stuff, so that's fine but you can't help but think about what would mama say or do at such time and hour.

Or when you picked up a book about love and the review at the back said something about complexity of grief and that's how you decided to buy the book because perhaps that book might be the one for you now - the sad and grieving one.

Or when you're saying goodbye to those driving home and as you waved, you noticed mok's eyes were teary while waving back at you and your heart felt heavier now.

Or when they're ready for landing and you're staring outside and you saw stars and more stars appeared as you continue staring and that's when the song came into play, as if asking you - how long will I love you, as long as stars are above you - and the tears started to roll down and your mask started to get wet but it's dark and you still got time until landing, so you just continue to dwell in your sadness and cry on silently while staring at the stars and you know you miss her now more than you admit.

And then coldplay came next and sing to you - when I close my eyes, when I close my eyes, I see you, when I close my eyes, when I close my eyes, you come through, you - and you continued to cry and wonder, if you've seen these bright stars in sabah sky and if you never did, i wish you would see brighter and more beautiful stars there and though we miss you and want you to be here, i hope you are happy there too.


After you left, I wrote some intro for my next post, on that Sunday morning on the first weekend after I came back here. Wrote a paragraph or two about you, but each sentence reminds me of you more and more and so I cried on every line and then I stopped writing.

Because it's hard to put them all in words and continue writing without any emotions or some sobbing or tears and be okay about it - but here I am, putting some of my thoughts about you during my flight last night, just because they needed to be heard somehow and I want to see them- all these thoughts, feelings, loneliness and longings for you - in words.

1205pm, proud to say that i wrote with some serious face, and no tears; writing here now as i just got back from kl and they said it's safer for me not to do patients for now, and so i spent my morning in room 39 or our isolation room as we named it as of today - how i wish i could tell you this and see your response to everything now but you're not here, so yeah, still gonna write it for the sake of ...idk, myself, maybe?

Miss you, ma.

20200122

To the one in blue shirt (on the last meet)

22012020
1215pm



Hi. I'm going to write it here, in case you ever search for me.

Almost. 

That was an almost chance we got there. Read once or twice about almost, and yes, it's a sad word. Almost.

We almost said something, almost started something, almost. But we didn't. 

I saw you there, standing and looking out. And i was unsure and i guess you were too, so I just walked away and that's that. Almost.


I guess i was hoping too, because now there's some sort of sadness in me. For that almost chance.

And by the time I'm writing this, I got another sad news that I'm certainly gonna cry about if I were to speak to anyone about it, so I'm going to put my story aside. And if we were to meet again, - and if you ever got the chance to find me, please come; hopefully by then, we would not miss the chance of the almost. And perhaps I'll cry explaining about what's happening - and now this is some wishful thinking we got here. 

Till then - take care, sn.


Note to myself;
And if I ever read this again, o my dear self, go ahead and feel these emotions again, perhaps with Kodaline's Wherever You Are in the background and maybe you'll cry for a while for this is your true feeling (once). And hopefully you've found peace by then, if we never meet again.

1250pm.